A new start

When I found out we were pregnant again, I had lots of mixed feelings. I felt guilty. Guilty that I was pregnant because if the girls were with us today, we would have our hands full and not even be thinking of having a baby, this baby. I was and still am a nervous wreck. I walk around every day thinking that the same thing is going to happen to us again. That we will be happy and everything will be fine for 7 or 8 months and I will get robbed again. Its hard to believe, believe that my body will know what to do correctly this time, believe that this will be our "take home" baby, believe that this wont happen to us again. I can tell Dave is nervous. He wont let me go to the doctors without him. When I found out the girls were no longer alive inside me, I was alone, it was one of the only appointments I had gone to alone, it was the worst day ever.

But I need to believe. I need to believe that my body can do things correctly this time. I have to have faith. But where do I find this faith? How do you believe again?

Stats

How far along? 11 weeks and 3 days
Weight gain/loss: no change thus far
Sleep? I have trouble sleeping. I can't stop worrying
Best moment this week? going in for an extra ultrasound just for reassurance and seeing the baby jump around
Movement: not yet
Food cravings: nothing special
Belly button in or out? in and hopefully it will stay that way for awhile
What I miss? the girls
What I am looking forward to? going for our ultrasound next wednesday
Milestones: I cannot wait to be done with the first trimester!!
What I'm nervous about:everything